No Worries, Liddat.

Hello real world.
So this is life after the retreat and I feel good. I feel high of God's love. I feel happier then before. I feel thankful for the weekend and for everyone that was there and made it what it was.

For once in my life I feel truly happy, and I mean it. During the retreat, I found myself crying and I realized

"Wait a minute.. This is the first retreat out of the five I've been to where I don't have to worry about anything, really. For the first time, I didn't have to worry about my boyfriend cuz I'm finally on my own again. Now its just me."

With that my eyes were opened wide. This is my time to fully rely on God. This is my time to give my love to Him, the love He deserves. I've realized every time I tried filling myself with things from this world to make me happy, He took it away. He took it away so I could learn how to be alone. Alone with him. When I wanted to get out of my house cuz i felt so empty, I could never find a way out. Personally, I think it was cuz He was waiting for me to run to Him, to depend on Him. Most of all to trust Him.

I had to be empty in order to be filled with His spirit, His love, and His light. Now I'm high, I'm on fire. And honestly I want the world to see how much HE means to me. He helped me realize I wasn't really missing you, I was just missing the closeness, the attention. He reminded me that all I need was Him to be the center of my attention, my life.

Its weird because I rarely cried. I felt good. I had no worries to cry about for once and it just felt GOOD. I mean yeahhh I realized there are things I'm afraid of but all I need to do is trust him. I have to remember I'm never alone with what I'm going through because somewhere out there someone feels the same way. And of course we can never be alone cuz Jesus is always here, even if we may not feel it, even if we may feel empty. It happens but its ok.
I'm sorry if all my thoughts are all over the place, I just don't know how to put every thing in words right now.


And another thing--
"True Happiness: find something you would die for and live for it." -- Anonymous


So true. God is the reason why I'm this happy. He is my true happiness, and I think thats what He wanted me to realize all along. After everything that happened in my past relationship, He just wants me to be stronger. Everything that happens, He puts us through it so that we may grow stonger. We just gotta remember we can alway find true happiness and true love in Him and because of Him.


God is like no other. His love is amazing. With Him, Jesus and the Holy Spirit miracles can happen. Soo much is possible because of Him. Everything everyone has and goes through is a blessing given to us from Him. And I'm talking about every obstacle too, even though thats hard to grasp. We must never forget He is always here to listen, to watch, and to be with us. Letting Him in your life and loving Him can do wonders :)















That is all, mahalo for your time :D
I love you.

Oh And

I got accepted into UH Manoa.
I'm frickin' lucky I swear. You don't no how much doubt I had in getting accepted. I just barely made the requirements for the test scores and the grades. Well I guess it just comes to show I was meant to stay here and learn my lesson about certain things in life the hard way.

If it wasn't for everything that happened in the past 16 months, every thing would be different. Yet, even though things could have been way better, I'm content/pleased. I understand that God knew I was hard headed and everything that happened in the past months was just His way of telling me stop being stubborn and just listen.

Aha, its cool though. I like how things are. I'm thankful for the second chances I've been blessed with. I'm glad I got this chance that I've been hoping for. With all the slacking I've done, I'm way lucky beyond belief.

It can't be explained how thankful I am. Not only for being accepted but for being stronger. For being put through all this crap I've been through. I'm thankful for being hurt and for being used. No matter what happens I'm thankful. I get it, everythings a blessing.

Expect Nothing

I have learned its better to expect nothing than to expect something. If one constantly expects something from anyone, three things can happen.

1) If your let down, you'll be super disappointed

2) You always expect more and more.

3) Nothing will ever reach your expectations anymore.

Yeah, I know there are those people whom you should be able to depend on for certain things but don't expect them to cater to you're every need. You're a big kid, you'll be fine. I'm not saying you can't be dependent on someone but sometimes you gotta carry your own weight. Learn how to deal with things on your own. I mean you can ask for help but at least try, yenno?

Honestly, whatever happens it doesn't matter. I don't expect to be the world's greatest. I don't expect to be liked. I don't expect to be noticed. I don't care if I don't get what I want. Yeah, I dream and I have goals but if I fail, its okay. You can't be strong unless you fail. Failure is inevitable, just suck it up. So is getting hurt. So is being let down. It's part of life. Be humble, no grumble.

I guess I feel like writing this cuz I'm so tired of seeing all these spoiled little kids around me. It makes me wonder how they're gonna grow up to be like. I worry that my younger generation of cousins are gonna turn out messed up. I don't want that. I just wish they would notice the value of everything and one day everything isn't gonna be handed to them. One day they'll expect way tooo much.

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And now off the subject.
Lifeteen Retreat. Its next week.

I'm a little blah about going. I don't know what to expect. Guess you can say I'm not that excited. I miss how lifeteen things used to be. Like how Mailyn's blog said where'd the life in the lifeteen go. Hopefully things will be alright, next weekend. Maybe I need to feel this way. Aha. Not sure but I feel like I have to go and there's no avoiding it.

The Past is The Past

And quite frankly I'll leave it at that.


All I have to say thank you for letting me go. Thank you for finally giving me a chance to let go. Thank you for moving on so fast so that i know you'll never come back to me. I can honestly say I'm over it . Though it hurts, what doesn't? I can and will never hate you. Whatever makes you happy already.

This is my life I won't let what we had in the past get to me. I know whats best for me now and even if it hurts, I know I couldn't be with you always. Though you always got me to believe you, I know i was only blinded by emotion. And its cuz at that time I really did trust you. You know what? sometimes it happens. And whatever decides to come my way now I'll take it. I won't be afraid. I won't let myself be.

It was what it was between me and you. I won't forget about it but I won't stop living because of it. I know better now. I know one day we'll be able to be friends just not now. It'll take time.

And I'm glad its over. I'm glad that I dont't have to be scared of getting hurt anymore. The damage is done, I'm already hurt. I wont let it hurt me anymore. Plus I remember the good moments cuz thats whats important.

Just know that through the good and bad times, I will never talk shit about you, you don't deserve it. What I did to you, I can't bear to do to anyone else. Yeah, you hurt me but you know I forgive you. And I know you know I believe you'll be so much better to whoever the next girl is. And I know you can be a super good guy but I wont be jealous. We had our good and bad moments but its done now...

Good bye..



Whatever happens now happens. This is my life and with or without you I know I'm gonna be great. I'm gonna be stronger and I'm gonna be happy.


Thanks for the memories. Time to make some on my own :)







and I know through everything, God will be here by my side. I know He'll be that one man that won't ever leave, that won't ever abandon me. He's here helping me through every inch of my life and I love Him for that (: for everything..

PhyscoBabble

There's some many things I don't get right now. Why is it every move I make seems to be the wrong step to take? Why is it that doing nothing gets me further than doing something? Why is it showing vulnerability is look down upon.
People keep telling me be strong but if I try to be its not gonna be that real strength. I don't know why people have to be so afraid to show that their weak. I don't know why people are so afraid to ask for help. We aren't here to face things alone. That's why we have friends family and etc. We are not meant to fight our battles independently. We are here to be each others supports system. Right now that's all I need. I don't need somebody to tell me HOW to deal with everything. I just need somebody who will be there to listen and hug me when I need a hug.
I'm not the type to stand by and pretend I'm fine but in the long I know everything is gonna get better. I know I'll be fine but everything that happens still hurts. Sorry if you think its wrong to cry. Quiet frankly, I know my weaknesses and I just need to let everything out. Don't tell me to stop crying because it helps. Don't tell me to stay strong because it's like telling me being vulnerable is wrong. I'll be strong when I'm ready but don't let me pretend I'm okay unless I really am.

Bruises

After everything sometimes I feel like my best isn't good enough for you.

we get put through so much and i stick it out.yet when i ask your for one little thing you refuse. i don' get it. why can't i just have those two little things? i wish you could just see it as doing it for me and not yourself. whatever still love you even though things can be very irking.

Society

Today's society/culture is ridiculous.
We focus on things that should be the least of our worries.


People worry about fitting in.
Who cares!? If people truly appreciate you they won't care if you fit in with everyone else.

People want more and more.
Why should it matter?! Appreciate what you have. Plus the more you want, the more your life will just be about what you have.

People want the latest "this", the latest "that".
HELLO!Its only gonna get outdated. Get what you need when you need it. Don't waste your money on the unimportant things, thats just what society wants you to think is important.

People want more money, money, money.
Ugh yeah, money is nice but seriously money won't make you happy. Wanting more and more money with no intention of putting it to good use for the sake of others besides yourself.. THEN damn you're one greedy kid.

People also worry about me me me me me.
STOP IT. This world is only about you. If people truly loved another, we wouldn't have to worry about ourselves because the people that love us would be watching out for us.



Basically not everyone is like that but there is more to life than worry about this worldly things. If only society didn't mold us to care about money, fitting in, materialistic things life would be so much easier. If only we could just be ourselves without having to worry about what others think. If only people truly loved each other, every thing would be so much easier. Love would be the answer to how people in society are. Loving, caring, and truly listening would help sooo much. Don't be stupid, be yourself. Don't be afraid. Don't conform to today's society its not what you need. Man if people focused on their relationship with God more people these days would be 1,000,000,000,000 times more loving.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and I that I don't worry about these things, it just that I wish I didn't worry about these thing. And I wish I had a better relationship with God.

We care too much about things that won't even matter by the time we're gone. What should matter is forgiving yourself and forgiving others. What should matter is truly being there for each other. What should matter is listening to one another. What should matter is feeling for one another.










LOVE is what matters.
well my new insight is thanks to Tuesdays with Morrie. read it.